The Secret Life of the Giant-Killer

I’ve done this before, but what the hell. Like any blogger worth his salt, I like to check out my stats and see how people are getting to this page. Direct links are always flattering, but what fascinates me are the random hits I get from search engines—often from folks who don’t know the trick about enclosing complete phrases in quotation marks. I’ve been compiling the weirdest ones since I started keeping stats, almost two years ago—but I was never quite sure what to do with ‘em: If I blog about these search terms, the presence of these keywords will actually attract more weirdos by pushing me up in the Google listings.

You know what? It’s worth the risk. Point and laugh at these beauties...

names of foreigner scientist

I love the ones where the searcher is obviously just flailing.

david knopfler sorrow

Oh, I think we can all guess David Knopfler’s sorrow...

riddle Little tiger with one eye On three legs, it's standing high. A flash of lightning in the sky,

See, I don’t know this one, and I’d like to.

why do girl nipples taste like onions

Um... are you sure those are nipples? For that matter, are you sure that’s a girl?

masturbation ideas context

...How much context do you need?

gut bucket dry humping the american dream

Dude’s got issues. And, I’d wager, a well-thumbed copy of the collected works of Hunter Thompson.

can your penis decrees in size

So be it decreed!

funny pictures of khadafy

He’s a laff riot, that Khadafy.

THERE'S SOMEONE LIVING IN THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT

*jumping out of chair, looking frantically behind me*

jack chick blinded gay

Oh, we should be so lucky.

ghost riders in the sky "the greatest song ever"

I beg to disagree...

trumpet fingerings "seven nation army"

...because obviously a marching-band version of “Seven Nation Army” would be the greatest song ever. Duh.

fuck is a 4 letter word

Thanks for the tip.

the toy doll barbie has a new boyfriend australian what's his name

Oh, I know this one...

BILL FRISELL ANY RELATION TO LEFTY FRISELL

Ooh! I know this one, too!

writer of the song "Purple Jesus"

Wait—you mean besides me?

"avoiding the tonic"

Sticking to straight gin, then? Sensible.

michelangelo poncing method

I don’t know what it was, but it musta worked pretty well.

distorted poems spiders in my brain

dinosaurs farts comic

Uh... okay.

bergamot mojito

lemon thyme cigarette

Suddenly, I need a drink. And a smoke.

mandolin strings tighten never use drill destroy

Faster, Randy Scruggs! Kill! Kill!

pictures of lady meteorologists naked

That’s a pretty out-there fetish, huh...?

bart simpson fucking comics

Oh God. Nobody really...would they...?

hi & lois comic strip porn

Christ. We’ve only starting plumbing the depths of this, haven’t we...

phantom ghost who walks slash

My only comfort is that there can’t be more than one person who would...

the phantom comics slash

AAAAAGHH YOU ARE KILLING ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT

justine frischmann lip curl

goddam comeback elastica

Man, somebody really didn’t like The Menace, huh?

TARZAN WEARS A SPEEDO

Thanks for the tip.

a picture of something sudden and violent but brief

Just for you, friend:

Ah. After this weekend, that cheers me up immensely.